It’s official. I’m now sharing my flat with hundreds of little black flies. They’re quiet little buggers. They make no noise. And apart from their sheer numbers, they’re little trouble. They don’t require feeding, walking, or talking to. And seem quite happy to be left alone to their own devices.

But they’re everywhere.

I opened the press this morning to get out the frying pan and a mass of them swarmed out to meet me. They hang out on the walls, on the doors, on the floor, even. They group in ones, in pairs, and in threes, fours, and fives. And they’re all over the gaff.

I did contemplate fly spray. But then I had a vision of my Hare Krishna friend, asking me – ‘What harm are they doing?’ And, as I say, apart from the numbers, they’re not really bothering me at all.

Yes, I wish they weren’t here. I’d like my flat back, please. I tried to find out what they were and have come up with four possibilities, but none of them seem to match. And the photos don’t help as my ones are camera-shy.

Drain flies: Drain Flies breed in drains, sewers, septic tanks and soil that has been contaminated with sewage.

Fruit flies: Fruit Flies can be spotted around fresh fruits/vegetables, rotting fruits and vegetables, drains, garbage and damp organic materials.

Phorid Flies: Phorid Flies are found in sewage contaminated soil, garbage, drains, human cadavers, rotting vegetables and fruit, garbage as well as damp organic materials.

Sphaerocerid Flies: These flies may be found in manure, damp organic material, drains, rotting fruits and vegetables and garbage.

They’re not just around the sinks – they’re everywhere. I’ve no fruit or veg hanging around. There’s nothing damp. Nothing rotting. Nothing to attract them really – other than my winning smile and marvellous personality.

Any ideas anyone?