In the last year or so, I’ve made note of a few things I won’t be saying again.
Things I used to say with abandon. Without thinking.
Habitual sayings that trotted off my tongue when expressing my condolences.
They were a fine age.
They lived a good life.
They’re in a better place.
I won’t be saying these things, not because I don’t believe them, but because they simply don’t help.
Particularly the one about age.
Age and loss don’t correlate. It’s of little comfort that someone was on earth for 97 years and lived a good life.
I know that they’ve lived a good life, had good innings, pushed the clock to the end. Rationally. I know that.
But when you’re in the midst of loss, you’re not thinking rationally. They’re dead. They’re gone. They’re not around any more.
And it’s not just with condolences.
I need to revisit my whole sympathy/empathy gig.
I recently came across something Ullie-Kaye wrote and thought Yes! This is where I need to go.
Instead of saying, “I know what it feels like”, let’s say “I cannot imagine your heartbreak”.Instead of saying, “You’re strong, you’ll get through this, let’s say ” You’ll hurt, and I’ll be here.Instead of saying, “You look like you’re doing well, Let’s say, “How are you holding up today?”Instead of saying, “Healing takes time”, let’s say “Healing has no timeline”.Instead of saying, “Everything happens for a reason, let’s say “This must feel so terribly senseless right now”.And when there are no words to say at all, you don’t need to try and find some. Love speaks in silences too.
When the last of the mass cards for Boss trickled in, mass cards for Mam started arriving. For those and the notes and kindness that came with them, I’m grateful.
One in particular stuck out. The one featured in the photo.
The message inside reads
And day after healing day, when you think might people have forgotten, we’ll still be caring about you.
9 responses
Beautiful and so true❤️
I’m putting those new expressions into my repertoire Mary. Unfortunately I am of the age where this occurs more than I care to accept. I’m not a very compassionate person and I possess chronic foot & mouth disease. I need something ready to go- because I do care. I’m simply pragmatic. That said, I write personal magnificent condolence cards so I’m not a total dolt.
A pattern shift is in order, Mac.
Wonderful and helpful post, Mary. Thank you.
Thank you. And you’re right. Makes me think of the stupid shit I’ve said to the aggrieved. I’m going to appropriate some of your suggestions
Thanks for this. I love your more truthful and kind comments to grief. I’m appropriating some, if that’s okay. Be well as always.
Appropriate away 🙂
Very well put, Mary – one of my more recent things to say (when I eventually realised it) is that the longer they are around, the bigger the hole they leave when they’re gone.
Take care, Pat M
I love you Mary, thank you,
Shelly